Here are some real life examples of what NOT to put on your resume.
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"I am a rabid typist."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."